new photo collage tumblr!

The Girl With Kaleidoscope Eyes: 

http://thegirlwithkaleidoscopeeyess.tumblr.com/ 

I may be sarcastic and a pain in the ass, but that doesn’t mean I’m jaded to the world’s beauty. Follow it if you want, enjoy it because you will.

a shout out in Glamour mag? I deserve the highest of fives.

Somebody out there, please round up not one, not two, but three whole cheers for my blog’s bite-sized inclusion in April’s Glamour magazine & on their Pinterest board.

I’d cheer for myself, but shockingly pep has never been my strong suit. But, obligatory snark aside, I have to admit it’s pretty cool. Their one-page roundup features the funniest stuff women are sharing on the internet & includes a link to my site. Gosh, it even includes my last name! Which incidentally means “little cow” in Italian. I’m telling you this because if you ever go on Jeopardy and it comes up, you might send me some money.

But alas, the article doesn’t include the name of the artist who illustrated the cartoon that caught my attention and my commentary in the first place- Fuchsia Macaree. If you’re smart, you’ll check out more of her incredible work on her tumblr. If you’re not smart… well I salute you for coming this far and at least learning how to use a computer.

Merry Grinch-mas Cookies

AsAristotleBuddy the Elf once wisely proclaimed, “It’s Christmas Eve, Eve!”

And since I take all of my life advice from Will Ferrell, that means it’s time to celebrate and start some baking and drinking festivities.

Wheaties? This is the real breakfast of champions.

For some people, Christmas Eve Eve means embracing the holiday spirit by violently stalking pedestrians for their parking spot at the mall and getting a last minute photo with Santa.

Others might choose to spend today snuggled next to the fireplace. Or the yule log on TV. If you’re an asshole.

All I want for Christmas is to no longer be a douchelord.

Or who knows, maybe today you’re sitting in Starbucks trying to make the most of your remaining time with their holiday cups.

But for me, today means that my humble home turns into Alex’s sweatshop bakeshop. If you’re also home, I have prepared an easy and fun Christmas baking tutorial to try, and another coming up tomorrow (Hint: One of tomorrow’s cupcake critters might be socially ostracized due to his need for a nose job). 

So without further ado, FELIZ NAVIDAD!

Tutorial: Merry Grinch-mas! Holiday Cookies

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that he ran out of marshmallow fluff.
It could be that his cocktail, was not strong enough.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Two sizes too small? Le gasp. This project let’s you make sure that you help the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes by Christmas Day! Minions- get together your ingredients:

You’ll need:

- Whipped frosting (I use Betty Crocker Butter Cream, but you can use some other sucky option an alternative of your choice if you want)

- Red Writing Frosting (this one glitters, sold)

- GOLD Flour

- Sugar Cookie Dough

- Heart cookie cutters of 3 different sizes because…

- Waxed Paper

- A Rolling Pin

Okay, now that you have your ingredients, it’s time to roll out the waxed paper, add flour (seriously, do this or everything will stick to your hands, face, legs, ear and you’ll cry), and roll out the doughhhh. MAKE IT RAIN.

Now chop chop chop the cookie cutters! And…

It’s frosting time, it’s frosting time.

You’re almost done! To tie the Grinch heart theme together, you can sketch a small tag to attach to the gift. Or if your hands do not possess an elf-like nimbleness, you can always print a picture. 

And for the final touches, get a plain white cardboard box and tie it all together!

Add a little note if you want!

Here’s hoping that this Christmas you get to carve the roast beast! Merry merry little elves!!

The 12 Days of Drinking & The Best Holiday Cocktails to Match

Now we all know that after delivering the world’s demanding children presents all night, Santa doesn’t really want some milk and cookie bullshit.

In my opinion, Santa would prefer a stiff drink. I mean, something has to keep those cheeks rosy.

Maybe an Irish Hot Chocolate garnished with a candy cane. Or, if he wants to hang out with me, a jack and coke. He might- Santa freaking loves Coca-Cola. So do polar bears apparently.

I don’t always drink coke, but when I do, I wear a sun visor.

But let’s set aside for a minute, my desire to enable Santa to drink and sleigh.

The fact is, after the stressful “Month Before Christmas” (‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ clearly ignores the fact that Christmas begins on black friday) you might need to relax even more than Santa.

To help you with the de-stressing process, I’ve devised some re-vamped Christmas lyrics and compiled a selection of the best holiday beverages to bring you from naughty to nice. Or from nice to naughty - your call really.

So without further ado, go ahead and make your list, check it twice, and decide if you want your martini stirred, shaken or spiced.

Just a little something for you to sing on Christmas Eve while you embarrass yourself and your aunt hides your cousins.

Highlighted Winter Cocktails:

1. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reinbeer

-red pom poms

-googly eyes

-brown pipe cleaners

- scissors

- glue

There was Dasher and Dancer and … Prancer and Guinness. 

(via lifeofamodernmom)

2. The “Winter Mojito”

3. The Spicy GingerMan

(via SingleMindedWomen)

4. Eggnog Martini

(via SingleMindedWomen)

And try to remember this bit of wisdom if the stress still gets to you.

Cheers & May your days be merry and bright! :)

Your Own Thanksgiving “Gobble Gang”: How to Celebrate the First Great American Rager with Turkey Treats

The holiday season is officially here, but before you pull a Seth Cohen and have visions of Chrismukkah dance in your head, it’s time to recognize America’s greatest holiday - Thanksgiving.  That’s right, Thanksgiving is better than Christmas, Hanukah, Easter, the Fourth of July, St. Patrick’s Day, Arbor Day, Leif Erikson Day and your birthday - but not my birthday.

Why is this holiday so great? Because Thanksgiving is a beautiful ceremony the original American rager- it’s the one holiday where the only concrete goal in sight is to eat and drink. A. lot. And as for the whole “thankfulness” aspect, I’m skeptical on that.

The First Thanksgiving was clearly a pilgrim/ native american bro-fest that got out of control and needed a cover for the binge drinking and reckless drunk eating that took place. So they said that they were “giving thanks”. In reality, Sitting Bull and John Smith were probably doing a 17th century version of a keg-stand together and the only thing they were giving each other were high fives.

Ah. America.

Now, there are many important ways to honor this majestic day. For example:

But before you can abide by this year’s Thanksgiving motto, you’ll need to rustle up some food and drink. Which is where today’s creation comes in.

Below you can find “The Gobble Gang”, sexy turkey cookies that I’m going to teach you how to make.

Think of me as an innocent native american, teaching your asshole pilgrim self (who will, in the future, give me smallpox and a casino) how to make corn. You can call me, “Dances on Tables”. Hao.

These treats are seriously easy to create (you don’t even need a stove, or an open fire in the woods). Credit to 7thhouseontheleft.com for the inspiration & recipe! Here’s a quick picture tutorial I put together on how to make these. How festive of me. Enjoy & don’t screw it up.

You’ll need:

1. Betty Crocker Icing (this acts as the “glue” for the turkey)

2. M&M minis (the eyes)

3. Nutter Butters (the body)

4. Candy Corn (feathers)

5. Jelly Bellys (Red and Yellow, beak and gobbly-neck-thing)

6. Nabisco famous chocolate wafer (back base)

7. Reese’s cups (back base)

Holy shit, it’s a nutterbutter! NOW ITS A LIL’ TURKEY PAL!

Shake ya tailfeather.

The turkey battalion of the 24th regiment. 

Final word: Don’t even think about letting anyone in your family eat these, they’re too fucking cute.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Eat, drink and try not to pass out before the turkey’s ready. It’s hard, but you’ve got to have goals.

The 7 Best Social Cataloging Websites (design, food, music, fashion, DIY)

First of all, what’s Social Cataloging?

Sparknotes version: It’s your key to beating boredom AND staying organized. Amazeballs. Now, I know your attention span is shorter than Kim Kardashian’s marriage, so listen up while I share the necessary details!

A social cataloging site is, in essence, social media’s prettier, smarter and all-around-better younger sister - a new and improved model if you will. Vroom. The new social cataloging sites (Pinterest, GoodReads, Etsy, Stereomood, etc.) still have a lot of we love about the original social sites (facebook, twitter… you may have heard of them). You can still share with your friends, follow your interests… stalk humans, the usual BUT these new sites are focused on niche topics (food, fashion, humor, etc.) which means you can focus on and organize your interests in a fresh new way. AKA they’re all done with a twist. Saucy.

And of course, these sites are crucial for taking breaks at work (because seriously, Excel is deteriorating my eyesight, and my will to live) . So go ahead and make your digital world more streamlined and more fun! - now all you need is a real world drink and life is complete.

If you’re looking for a more technical answer, here’s the definition I wrote for urbandictionary.com .

1. 

Site Motto: “Collect the things you love.”

What it is:  Pinterest.com is like having an infinite supply of bulletin boards at your disposal- but without the messy pins (ouch) and zero need for storage space or going to Staples (ew, school children). According to the Pinterest execs, “Pinterest lets you organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web.”

Users can “re-pin” photos they find on the site onto their own boards and follow others’ boards as well, you know, for general merriment. It’s like a visual orgasm online, but a sexy legal one, not like chatroulette.

Sample 1: Emily’s (Emelia23) COLOR board

Holy acid flashback! It’s like the electric kool-aid acid test up in here.

So many boards, so little time!

Sample 2: Natalie’s (Natpoo2) GET IN MY BELLY board

Aaaand now I have #fatgirlproblems.

Moral of the story:  This site is a fucking mesmerizing assimilation of gorgeous images. I vote that it’s highly useful for artists looking to organize designs, cooks looking to organize recipes, couples looking to plan weddings or any person who is looking to start pinning like a boss.

Mobile app: Pinterest (free), allows users to pin on the go.

Rating: (on a scale of 1-10 points for Gryffindor) 10 ! Top marks, pip pip cheerio!

2. 

Site Motto: “Behind every song there’s always an emotion. We don’t know why but maybe that’s why we love music.”

What it is: Steremood.com is basically the long lost cousin of the music genome giant Pandora.com, but it’s better for stoners those in touch with their emotions, because all the music playlists are catered to suit your mood or your activity. “Playlist emotion” options range from the basics (happy, feeling blue) to quirky (psychedelic, aphrodisiac) to practical (dinner with friends, jogging). I personally like taking tequila shots while listening to “beach party”. 

Home Page Options

“Lost in Jamaica” Playlist

Morale of the Story: Smoke weed Get high on life and listen to this !

Mobile app: Mood O’ clock ($0.99), an alarm clock application for the iPhone.

Rating: 8 points, it’s awesome and great for fresh playlists. 

3. 

Site Motto: “The largest community of readers in the world.” 

What is is:  Goodreads.com is NERD heaven. Hermione from Harry Potter would have an account if Hogwarts had a wireless connection.

It’s an online community for those who are passionate about books, want to engage in literary discussions, and seek recommendations for their next great read. 

Sample layout:

Moral of the story: Basically, having a goodreads account is like having a brilliant and well-read friend OR a hot young scruffy English professor giving you advice.  The site is a bomb resource for those who have literary lust.

Mobile app: GoodReads (free), open it up in Barnes & Noble and make some selections!

Rating: 9 points, nerdgasmic.

4. 

Site Motto: “A mouth-watering food photo gallery. Come feed your eyes!”

What is is: DANGER: Serious nomming may occur. Foodgawker.com is an online foodie haven AKA it’s food porn and will make you wish being obese was socially acceptable. Through visual photo navigation (aka, ogling delicacies) users can collect recipes, cooking techniques and ingredients to aid in perfecting their culinary creations.

Home page of HUNGER:

Bear-y delish!

Morale of the Story: Go to the gym, work on ya fitness… then use this.

Mobile app: Foodgawker (free), nom nom nom on the go 

Rating: 8 points, make sure you have an emergency snack handy.

5. 

Site Motto: “Foodgawker’s sibling - dedicated to arts and crafts.”

What is is: Craftgawker is just like foodgawker, but catered to DIY craft ideas. So don’t use this one if your fingers aren’t nimble, like one of Santa’s elves. No one wants to get a “scarf” for Christmas that looks like what happens when a cat gets into a ball of yarn. But for those with delicate digits, the site offers a plethora of art projects, craft items and handmade creations to draw inspiration from or make yourself.

Hand-crafitin’ day n’ night:

Morale of the story: Make something beautiful and don’t burn yourself with the hot glue gun.

Mobile app: Craftgawker (free), on the go creative jolts.

Rating: 9 points, open it in A.C. Moore and go to town. 

6. 

Site Motto: “The world’s handmade marketplace.”

What it is: Etsy.com is an enormous artisan community, designed to allow users to buy and sell art, products and supplies. The site uses the William Morris motto as a mantra,“have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”  So that also means not letting ugly people inside your apartment. Etsy has been around for six years now and the site, run by editors with great eyes for style, highlights only top quality wares. If a unique gift is what you’re looking for, etsy is ideal. 

Holi-daze ideas:

November Birthstone Newsletter! GO SCORPIOS.

Moral of the Story: Tired of buying people stupid gifts like Starbucks giftcards or hand cream from Bath & Body Works? Get a little creative with Etsy.

Mobile app: N/A

Rating: 9 points, it’s a goldmine.

7. 

Site Motto: “Get inspired everyday! Share your favorite images from the web.”

What it is: Weheartit.com is a collection of inspiring (and sometimes shexay) photos, submitted by “heart it” users. The site functions through tag use, and users can search by  keywords for things they’d like to see (like fashion, photography, peacock feathers,etc.). Most of the images have an awesome artsy or vintage quality to them -it’s like hipstamatic before hipstamatic was even cool.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve:

Moral of the story: Using Weheartit is like looking through the mind, heart and travels of a friend / a hipster / a hipster who you’re friends with.

Mobile app: N/A

Rating: 7 points, it’s girlier than the rest, but still amazing.

Alright, now I hope reading all of this has caused you to develop a slow smile that would give Herman Cain a run for his money. Feel free to thank me later for your new fabulous life / heightened internet addiction. Sorry I’m not sorry.

tangerine trees and marmalade skies

(via inspiredbythisfeeling.tumblr.com)